32

I've reached a point in my life where I am just so lost. I thought as you get older you become wiser, more experienced, understanding and just so much .....well....more. I've found that with each passing year I know even less. It's kind of scary, but humbling at the same time.

In my 20s, I went through that decade thinking I knew everything. I had everything planned out. I did everything needed to make sure those plans came to fruition. But for what? I have a career, going on 11 years now, and a beautiful son. I don't feel like am any further in my life than I was 10 years ago.

I have come to accept that I have sold my soul for a dollar. 

I do what I need to do. I go to work. I take care of my family. I pay my taxes. I pay my bills. I am small gear in the great machine that is society. But it's not what I want to do. In fact I don't even really know what I want to do. I couldn't have just been made for this.

Some fellow employees at my job have these print outs around their desk that say something along the lines of, "You don't appreciate your job until you're without it." Of course I appreciate my damn job! It keeps a roof over my head, food in my belly, and it provides for my family. I certainly would not be able to live in Hawaii semi-comfortably if it wasn't for my job. But does it mean that I like it? No. 

When I turned 30, I vowed to not waste this next decade, which is how I feel I wasted my 20s. There are moments now where I don't have the confidence for something I push myself and fake it until I did have the confidence I need. At 31, I decided to fully commit myself to pursue something in the gaming industry. This something is still undecided. I'm unsure where I fit into an industry I love so much. But I'm not turning back and giving up. 

Now, at 32, it's all a balancing act. Work, family, personal life, goals......the grind is never ending. I realize the more people I tell about this desire to change my career, the more I realize my inner circle isn't as supportive or understanding. To them they see me wanting to leave a solid career of $80k+ year for something that isn't even sure and solid. But in return, I've found support in people I've never met and that is incredibly humbling and amazing. 

When I decide to sacrifice time from one aspect of my life to put into another I question myself. I've never really questioned my own decisions before. I've always decided on one thing and just stuck with it. But now, every step I make I'm nervous. I'm scared. It's not just me anymore. I have a son who is fully sentient. He's watching my moves, decisions and reactions. He's learning from my success and my failures. It's scary to know that with everything I do, in some way, shape or form it'll affect him positively or negatively. Like a butterfly effect.

If there is one thing I need to do more often, it's to write. Whether it be here or in my journal. My mind is constantly spewing ideas, thoughts, feelings. It's just never ending. But it does feel good to put it down somewhere. Not for anyone in particular, but for myself.