The Greatest

"... if I ain't gon' be part of the greatest, I gotta be the greatest myself"  ~ Busta Rhymes - Gimme Some More

I don't know how many times I've heard this song over the last 17 years, it's been on almost all of my playlists for just as long. But it wasn't until a few days ago that line just kind of rang in deep with me.

I've been working my ass off to the best that I can to make something happen in my life. Talk to and meet the right people, get in the with the right groups and take every opportunity that was presented. But I never felt like I met up to their standards. There is always someone better. Someone vying for that same spot as me. I usually come in second, if at all. Not that it's all a competition, but we all know second is just the first place loser. Although, I really shouldn't see it that way.

Life in general feels like one huge competition. Always fighting for that job, that raise, that promotion, to be the best parent, to be the friend that's always there, to be the girl/guy your crush wants to date, to just be the damn best at whatever you are aiming for. Let's face it, that shit is exhausting as fuck. Because even if you get that job, you get recognized as an awesome parent at PTA meetings, you get the girl/guy, whatever it is you're just fighting for the next best thing. I think it's in human nature to not just settle, because when you think you reached the top surely enough there's someone higher and better. It's a never ending uphill battle.

I reiterate, life isn't a competition. It's more like a marathon. Your position is always changing, but you're all in it for the long haul and the same end. I've spent the first 30 years sprinting at full speed and I'm bit exhausted.

I spent the better part of my 4-day Thanksgiving weekend just reflecting on that one line. Much how I've been reflecting on a lot of things. I'm slowly coming to terms that I cannot be amongst the greatest all the time. But I sure as hell can the greatest amongst myself. My family and friends don't need me to best person in the world, just to simply be the best version of myself. My son doesn't need a super mom, he just needs the mom that loves him. That in itself is far more than enough. I don't need to be Wonderwoman and tackle all the problems of the world, or everyone else's for that fact. I just need to tackle what is in front of me. Not to the side and definitely not what is behind me.

Now to take those words of mine and put them into play, that's something I'll have to work with over time. It's not as easy as just flipping a switch in behavior that's been ingrained into my DNA since birth. There are many people I look up to and want to get on their level, but it really is ok if I don't. It matters that I'm doing the best for myself, not them or anyone else.

Life isn't meant to be mastered in a day. Just master today and do that everyday.

32

I've reached a point in my life where I am just so lost. I thought as you get older you become wiser, more experienced, understanding and just so much .....well....more. I've found that with each passing year I know even less. It's kind of scary, but humbling at the same time.

In my 20s, I went through that decade thinking I knew everything. I had everything planned out. I did everything needed to make sure those plans came to fruition. But for what? I have a career, going on 11 years now, and a beautiful son. I don't feel like am any further in my life than I was 10 years ago.

I have come to accept that I have sold my soul for a dollar. 

I do what I need to do. I go to work. I take care of my family. I pay my taxes. I pay my bills. I am small gear in the great machine that is society. But it's not what I want to do. In fact I don't even really know what I want to do. I couldn't have just been made for this.

Some fellow employees at my job have these print outs around their desk that say something along the lines of, "You don't appreciate your job until you're without it." Of course I appreciate my damn job! It keeps a roof over my head, food in my belly, and it provides for my family. I certainly would not be able to live in Hawaii semi-comfortably if it wasn't for my job. But does it mean that I like it? No. 

When I turned 30, I vowed to not waste this next decade, which is how I feel I wasted my 20s. There are moments now where I don't have the confidence for something I push myself and fake it until I did have the confidence I need. At 31, I decided to fully commit myself to pursue something in the gaming industry. This something is still undecided. I'm unsure where I fit into an industry I love so much. But I'm not turning back and giving up. 

Now, at 32, it's all a balancing act. Work, family, personal life, goals......the grind is never ending. I realize the more people I tell about this desire to change my career, the more I realize my inner circle isn't as supportive or understanding. To them they see me wanting to leave a solid career of $80k+ year for something that isn't even sure and solid. But in return, I've found support in people I've never met and that is incredibly humbling and amazing. 

When I decide to sacrifice time from one aspect of my life to put into another I question myself. I've never really questioned my own decisions before. I've always decided on one thing and just stuck with it. But now, every step I make I'm nervous. I'm scared. It's not just me anymore. I have a son who is fully sentient. He's watching my moves, decisions and reactions. He's learning from my success and my failures. It's scary to know that with everything I do, in some way, shape or form it'll affect him positively or negatively. Like a butterfly effect.

If there is one thing I need to do more often, it's to write. Whether it be here or in my journal. My mind is constantly spewing ideas, thoughts, feelings. It's just never ending. But it does feel good to put it down somewhere. Not for anyone in particular, but for myself.

The 11th Year....

What can a mother say for every passing birthday?

  • That you have made me a better person, mother, human being with each passing day.
  • That you are the constant proof that my love is infinitely growing with every second and breath you take.
  • That you make me proud with every step and milestone that you have seen and overcome.
  • That you never cease to amaze me for every moment I didn't think you could surprise me even more.
  • That carrying and raising you will always be my greatest achievement.
  • That somehow I still have hair on my head for every moment you make me want to rip my hair out.
  • That I can no longer keep count the amount of gray hairs you have given me for every moment you have scared the shit out of me for your hair brain ideas and stress you don’t deliberately give.
  • That every year as I grow sad to the day you may inevitably move out I also become less nervous that you are growing up to be the adult I can trust to make the right decisions.
  • That I never thought I could love you more now than the first time I heard your heart beat and saw your alien head in your ultrasound.

There are a million and one things I can and will continue to say for every year I have with you on this physical plain. However, the one that sums it all up is I love you.

Three small words that holds such a vast meaning, it just doesn't seem like that’s enough. 

When my life is down in the dumps or I’m floating on cloud nine you have always been my constant; the one part of my life that I will forever be able to count on. You have watched me cry, seen me rejoice and been a part of every important step in my adulthood. From this you have loved me unconditionally. You may not have understood the trials that I have been through for us, but you have made sure to make me laugh even when you don’t understand why I’m down. You have reminded me to not give up when I feel like it’s a never ending uphill battle. You have celebrated with me when I have conquered what I thought was an un-winnable situation. 

It’s moment like that where I know I must be doing something right, that I am raising you to be an amazing man. Where my only worry is that you one day you will hopefully find someone that sees how great of human being you are. 

I have no guideline where your 11th year may take you, us. But wherever it may be I’m proud to be your mother, be by your side and watch you grow. 

Happy Birthday Spawn. 

I love you.


Starting all over again

This year has and still is a tough one. I made some decision which some I thought were right ones with the way I was feeling at the time and others were just straight up stupid. But either way, these decisions have had some major consequences.

I can and probably will continue to beat myself up over it until I learn to accept my mistakes. To find some light at the end and grow from it. Until then I am in the depressed as shit fuck me mode.

But I am deleting my old site and all it's entries as a means of me learning to cope. To some way find acceptance and move forward. 

So while I am still trying to figure myself out and climb out of the hole that I am still digging I am trying to start fresh, new. 

Because we all deserve a redo, to spawn again, right?