Typing off the top of my head.
Little more than a week into the new year and I have established one thing, I will no longer set any new year goals or resolutions for myself. Ever.
Every year I set these goals for myself with every intention of working on them and accomplishing them. Ever year, I fail.
In hindsight they look and feel completely possible. Which they probably are. But it becomes so overwhelming for me. I end up feeling like I NEED to do them. I NEED to accomplish them. In the end I walk away from them because I become so consumed with that NEED.
Last year I had every intentions on updating this blog daily. At first I was doing it. But blogging became far too time consuming. Having two jobs, raising a son, maintaining a house and trying to find some personal time for myself made it difficult. I simply couldn't do it all. Blogging once again took the backseat.
I told myself I would lose some extra weight, which I somewhat did. But again I became consumed with weighing myself, watching every morsel of food I ate and that became depressing. Even when weighing myself just weekly and seeing no change was very discouraging.
Rather than making a list of resolutions how about this? No matter what year, month, week or day I just better myself. It doesn't matter, just that I am. It's not a goal or resolution it is just a normal life lesson. Every human should always work towards being a better version of themselves. Whether it be spiritually, mentally, physically or all of the above. Just being a better you.
I am not sure how I will improve myself, but I know that I can always do and be better. So if I update my blog once a week or even once a month then great! That's better than last month where I did nothing. If I lose one pound this month, better than the 3 pounds I put on last month from the holidays.
On the flip side, this could all just be a way for me to feel better about myself failing the last several years and I am making up nonsense to justify my shortcomings lol.
Either way, my lifetime mission: Be a better version of yesterday's Dani today. No matter how small the improvement, it's an improvement.
/End random babble, hopefully this shall occur tomorrow as well.
A mantra I've somewhat developed and practically say to myself EVERY morning as I get ready,
"I am only human. I am only one person. I am only expected to be capable of doing what I expect from myself and no one else. Breathe."
Somehow the moment I take that first step out of my house I forget all of it. I go into overdrive and do the mundane things that is the working of my life. I have spread myself too thin for far too long. With that said, I don't see an end to that either.
To make room for priorities I have practically stopped blogging. Still not enough time or room. I've cut back on gaming. Still not enough. Cut back even more on gaming. Still doesn't cut it. I cut down on sleep (pretty stupid move really) and I just have enough time in my day to accomplish small milestones in my life.
I understand the kind words of friends and families.
"You are hard worker."
"Well you are a single mom."
"That's what loving moms do."
"You gotta do what you gotta do."
I'm at a point where I want to kick unicorns. I happen to love unicorns.
I work 6 days a week. My one day off I try my best to play catch up from the week. Then right back into the grind come Monday. I wish I could bitch and complain about this to my lungs bleed and my heart explodes. I won't. I can't. I'm grateful for the 2 jobs I have. My primary job has made it possible for me to support my family, to help my grandmother, to keep a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and all the other nice necessities like a electric and water. My secondary job has made it possible for me to interact with amazing people. To remember what it feels like to enjoy coming to work and being around the people you work with. My second job in a way keeps me sane. It also pays for the gas in my car for the week lol.
The one job I will never walk away from is being a mother. It feels so dirty to call it a "job" though. It truly is a privilege actually. I knew the moment I had him that my life wasn't about me, it was about him. It will always be about him. If I ever become so lucky to have a second or third child. My life will expand to be about all of them.
My life may be just all work and no play, but it's not my son's life. I have and always will do what I can to see he gets more out of his childhood. That I nourish his imagination and will. That I encourage him to strive for where ever and whatever his heart guides him. Any mom would do that if she can right?
For several years he has had the dream of growing up to become a parkour ninja police officer. How does one make that happen? Well we got creative. Found a gymnastics school that taught parkour, he was 6 at the time, but the youngest they took was 10. So till he reaches 10 he has attended tumbling classes every week for 2.5 years. Ninja? We added Jiu Jitsu training twice a week a couple months ago. Policeman? Work on that in a decade or so.
Somehow I feel like I have not accomplished anything. I haven't contributed enough. I haven't done enough for my son. I haven't done all that I can for my grandmother. As if I haven't done a single damn thing. But I have nothing else to offer. I have physically, emotional, mentally, and financially done what I can. I don't know why I feel this way either.
In the back of my head there is always the long list of what I have yet to do. But I never see what I have done in front of me.
Right now I should be studying for my certifications. I should be doing laundry. I should be packing. I should be sleeping. I should be doing a lot of things.
The point of all of this?
I work 2 jobs, raising a child the best I can, and maintaining a home and this thing called a life. I'm up by 5am and going till midnight. I live off of 4-5 hours of sleep, if I'm lucky. It's all too much for one person to handle. I am burnt out. I am miserable. I can't breathe.
I miss blogging. I really do. No one may ever read this, but you know what? I don't care. I wrote for me. I wrote to get things off of my mind. It was a place for me to free my mind. I stopped. It sucked.
I really miss gaming. It was my escape. It was a means to forget the stress and lose myself in another world. If even for a brief moment. The people I have come across while gaming are some of the most amazing people I have met. I miss them as well.
I truly miss my friends. I don't think I need to explain why.
I keep telling myself this won't be for forever, there is an end to all of this. I believe there is. But how much more I can handle till I reach that moment, I don't know.
I turn 28 this month. 27 has been hell and I don't wish this upon myself for this coming year.
So this entry?
Well it's more for me than anything. I just needed to release a little pressure. To read my thoughts. To not feel completely cut off.
So I make a promise to myself. To take if even just an hour a week that is just for me. To not think about work. Not think about studying. Not worry about a damn thing. But to just soak up just that moment. To enjoy my son's childhood before it's gone. To enjoy my life before I am too old. To enjoy the world that is happening around me. To enjoy the family and friends in my life.
Just do one thing that is just for me. It's not selfish. It's healthy. It's normal. It's needed.
Because in the end, I am only human. I am only one person.
There are just certain things you do for your offspring that makes you go, "WTF?" This is one of those moments.
For Christmas my Grandmother and Aunt gifted Nyx Doctor Dreadful. It's like a cooking set for boys. A cooking set in which you create squishy bugs, questionable drinks and then eat or drink them. I'm not kidding when I say this, in my wee days I would hope and wish my brothers would receive a Doctor Dreadful set. The commercials make them look so delicious and always piqued my interests.
So 20 years and one son later that wish has finally came true. What do you know? My stomach became a little queasy. Nyx made some spiders and worms for me a few days ago and they weren't half bad. It added a little extra "something" to the mix when the legs on the spider felt somewhat real in my life. They were prickly and stick. While the worm broke down into sections as it melted in my mouth. Get past all that, they were good lol.
Today? Different story, it was a drink. Zombie Barf to be exact. Doesn't the name just sound delicious? (-_-)
He pulled out his beaker, various mixes and his skull. Without even given me a hint he went straight to work.
"I'm making you something mom."
What am I supposed to say? Hell no? No one cooks for me so I better take what I can get. He followed the directions so carefully and to the tee. Explained every step to me and discribed the spell as he mixed each powder. I might add they actually smelled tasty.
As he went along I can't say my enthusiasm to try this Zombie Barf concoction actually grew. I got a little scared. Especially after he mixed the two liquids together. The first mixture began to solidify to reassemble a blue watery gelatin substance. While the other was orangey soda with a pungent fruity smell. Together it was very......unappealing.
But I drank it. Initially I could handle the taste and texture, but the lingering after taste is what killed it. Even after 4 or 5 sips my Spawn couldn't handle it. It pretty to look at, but that's it. He ended up dumping in the drain pipe outside of our house!
Verdict, it was a great successful Mad Scientist experiment. Sadly a failed drink, fun nonetheless. There are still a few other things for him to make me. I'm not sure if I should be scared or excited.
Apparently today is National Weigh In Day, which of course fits perfectly for that fact that I want to continue my journey of dropping the pounds. For the past 2 years now I have working towards getting to my pre-pregnancy aka high school weight. I may or may not reach it, but that's ok. The whole purpose for me to lose the extra baggage is for me to feel better.
I dropped a lot of weight at the beggining of 2011 and then come my birthday I started putting it back on. I am happy I didn't put back all of the weight I did lose. My goal isn't to be a stick, but simply feel better. I no longer feel as sluggish and tired as I did before, but I don't quite feel 100%.
I would love to weight 135lbs again. I chose that goal because frankly that's the last weight I remember feeling really good about myself. Not just mentally, but physically and emotionally. I want that back.
Now I'm not one to shy away from the scale, no matter how much I hate seeing those numbers climb. But I am human, of course not the healthiest, but I have flaws and I'm not afraid to share it.
So day 2 here's my current weight, 158.2lbs.
With so much of last year being a learning experience with a lot more downs than ups I kept myself away from blogging. So I shall attempt to make it a point to post something everyday. Even if just a photo.
So they may not be the greatest most enlightening posts it will be something. A goal. Simply what this is.
I am not always able to sit at my computer so I'm grateful that Squarespace came out with an Android app.
The first day of the new year was spent relaxing at home doing absolutely NOTHING. My night was spent cuddled up with the only man that loves me and watching Glee.
I have to say its a great way to start my new year.
Best part? I was hangover free.
Seeing as this is my first post via Android I hope this works and looks ok.